It’s been a while! I’m trying this new thing where I send you little weekly dispatches that are imperfect little offerings to connect, process, and fill you in. I’m truly so glad you’re here, and I have the intention to connect more often! There will of course be weeks this does not happen, and I welcome that. We are committing to the process and throwing out perfectionism.
The title quote is from Embodiment practitioner, writer and facilitator Prentis Hemphill
“Perfectionism will have you thinking you’re in commitment to excellence and not being mediocre when in reality you’re in commitment to self doubt”1
I have been a perfectionist for most of my life. For me, it feels like a form of protection, of a sense of familiarity and safety in the self-imposed rigor. I’ve (consciously and unconsciously - shoutout to therapy!) always held myself to standards I would never expect others to meet - is this a product of nature, of nurture, of capitalism, of white supremacy? Yes, and also.
I’ve known perfectionism = bad politics, and puts you on the fast track to burnout. I think a part of me really believed it would be simple to just put perfectionism down and walk away whenever I wanted to. Well, I’ve been sitting with the practice of letting go of perfectionism, examining and pulling out the overgrowth and weeds of learned behavior, shame, family and societal messaging, one by one and let me tell you those roots run DEEP. Turns out decades of ingrained habits and training can’t just be put down in an instance and never heard from again! Something I tell my patients all the time, but classically struggle to internalize. I’m also reflecting on how the motivation to really examine and uproot my perfectionist tendencies did not quite come out of instincts of self care and preservation, or concern from loved ones, but from political education. Things to think about.
Perfectionism is a tool of white supremacy and that has motivated me to try to embrace imperfection and take a closer look at my thought patterns. Something that’s been useful is asking myself/my patients “who is telling you that?” when I/they are in a perfectionist spiral (urges to override body sensations to pause/slow/rest and urges to keep producing/optimizing/re-do/update/take-no-breaks. I find that often, the message is not actually coming from a person you trust, love, and care about, but old messaging, assumptions, societal expectations. Just this week I was talking to my therapist about feeling overwhelmed, and mentioned feeling guilty about an upcoming two week work break to visit friends and family on the west coast with my partner, and that I was considering maybe not staying the whole two weeks. “Do you judge people who take vacations?” Of course not, I applaud them. “Is anyone telling you not to take the trip?” No. “Then who is telling you this?” Hm.
I’m taking the full two weeks.
“Self care” and rest have never come easy for me - prioritizing myself and my needs (especially investing in my wellbeing) is not how I was raised, and feels unnatural and often guilt/shame spiral inducing. It’s uncomfortable. It’s a muscle I’m working on training.
1Shout out to Ayana Zaire Cotton from Seeda School and the For the Worldbuilders podcast who has been blowing my mind in the most affirming and healing way with their newsletter and podcast - I highly suggest you check them out!
What I’m Up To:
My friend and pelvic health colleague Mirah Sand and I put on a sweet little free community workshop on all things butts (bowel health and anal sex) for pride month and I love love loved it. Definitely will be doing more free community workshops in the near future.
This past weekend was the third iteration of a monthly pay-what-you-can yard sale fundraiser to support Palestinian folks fleeing Gaza and it was a huge success! My friends and I started it by taking stuff we’d been meaning to rehome, renting outdoor space on Centre st in JP, putting a few flyers up and posting on socials, and seeing what happened. People showed up all day, and plenty of folks brought donations. We raised a solid amount of money, connected with our community, and hopefully kept some clothes and home items out of a landfill. Does this sound like something you want to do? DO IT!!! Feel free to reach out if you want more info or support. We’re hoping to keep this a monthly occurrence, so I will let yall know when it’s happening again and where you can bring donations.
This upcoming weekend 7/12-14 I’m sooo excited to be taking a Craniosacral Therapy training course - there may still be spots open, and you don’t have to be a bodyworker to attend!
What I’m Paying Attention To:
TERFism, Zionism, and Right-Wing Annihilationism: Toward an Internationalist Genealogy of Extinction Phobia - lmk if you read this and want to discuss!
Finding myself returning to the classic Uses of the Erotic: The Erotic As Power by Audre Lorde if you haven’t read/listened, the link is Audre reading this essay, or you can find it in Sister Outsider.
If you know, you know. Watch their music video for Next 2 U <3
Ahhhh instant subscribe! I love this one so much.